


Strange

by Totally_Legit



Category: GOT7
Genre: 2Jae, Angst, College AU, Confusing Emotion, I don't know how to tag this, Jaebum is an Angel, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Short Smut, Youngjae doesn't know how the world works, conflicts, it's really weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 15:08:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17286365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Totally_Legit/pseuds/Totally_Legit
Summary: Youngjae made all the wrong decisions in order to keep Jaebum by his side.Their friendship won't survive it.





	Strange

**Author's Note:**

> This is a mess, but my New Year's resolution is to finish at least a larger portion of the roughly 15 fics I'm currently working on more or less effectively instead of starting even more new fics.  
> So, this... happened.  
> It's confusing, but oh well.

Youngjae thought he’d been through everything. He thought he knew how the world worked. Thought he knew how his heart worked. He thought he knew pain.

He didn’t.

Not until this very moment in which his world visibly shattered in front of his eyes. He stood, dumbfounded, the broken pieces of everything he ever knew at his feet, nothing but a pile of junk and dust.

He didn’t know that his hands balled into fists at his sides. Unaware of how his shoulders shook and his ears turned bright red. Something inside him roared, but he suppressed it, unwilling to acknowledge the nature of this feeling.

He needed a way out of this situation. Before it got serious, before it made him think, before he  _freaked out_ . React. His options were simple. Grief or Anger. 

He could run away and hide. He could curl into a ball under his blanket and cry. Cry until it didn’t hurt that much anymore.

Or he could scream. He could yell, shout, threaten. Anyone who was responsible for this, and anyone who wasn’t.

  


Youngjae chose neither. He chose the third option. Apathy.

It was all about becoming numb to the pain. It had worked before, it’d work now, he was certain. He turned on his heels to go and find his best friend in the world. Soju.

Youngjae knew his weight. He knew his tolerance. He was a responsible drinker who was aware of his limits and he took all of that knowledge and threw it out the window. He downed one shot after another. Sometimes people joined in with him. Others cheered him on. He didn’t care.

Didn’t care about the people, didn’t care about the party, didn’t care how his vision turned blurry, didn’t care about the way his stomach was churning. Didn’t care about how often he had to get up to pee and didn’t care that each time he did, he swayed and stumbled more than the last time.

He did care about the pictures. That had gnawed themselves into his mind and stuck to the insides of his eyelids, every time it was dark and quiet, every time he closed his eyes he saw it.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.

‘Cheater!’ He spat out against the bathroom tiles or maybe it was just in his head.

Betrayal. He thought.

  


He unlocked the door and ripped it open. He didn’t really have time to react though, because when it opened, a pair of arms flew at it him grabbed him. He shrieked and fought, tried to push the hands away, but then he realized his feet had slipped out underneath him and he couldn’t fight, because if he did, he’d fall to the ground.

He found himself pressed tightly to a firm, broad chest, all warm and smelling nicely. He nuzzled his nose against the T-Shirt and took a deep breath. His eyes fell shut on their own, too heavy to keep them open. He was so tired.

He heard a lovely little sound and the strong chest was vibrating funnily, it would have made him giggle if he weren’t so sleepy. “Gosh, you’re drunk.” He heard a wonderfully melodic voice say and some more of the nice sounds. Jaebum was chuckling.

“I guess it’s finally my turn to take care of you, huh?” Jaebum said cheerfully and peeled him off to lean him against the wall. Youngjae shook his head vehemently. “I’m fine!” He slurred and hiccupped like a cartoon character, which had Jaebum burst into another fit of giggles. “’m not drunk…” Youngjae added with a pout.

Ignoring his protest, Jaebum turned around and squatted down. “Come on, wasted boy.” He encouraged and there was nothing left in Youngjae to keep him from climbing onto his back. Or rather, falling forward until Jaebum caught him, arms flapping over his shoulders and face burying in the back of his neck.

It was the first time Jaebum gave him a piggyback and it was utterly regretful. This was such a comfortable way to travel, now that he got to try. He clung tightly to his back, knees wrapped around his waist and allowed for himself to be lifted up.

Many people yelled Goodbye’s that Jaebum returned while he slowly made his way to the door. A few people cheered or cooed at them, but Youngjae didn’t even open his eyes, let alone answered to anyone. He just wanted to sleep.

The air outside was crisp, but not yet cold, the summer still lingering around the edges of the night. Jaebum walked slowly with his heavy weight, but Youngjae couldn’t care less. He’d spend the whole night pressed to his warm body if he could. With his nose right against the side of Jaebum’s neck, every breath he took was clouding his mind with his intoxicatingly masculine scent. The muscles on his arms flexed and tensed in his struggle to keep Youngjae up. Jaebum’s body was hard and lean and felt so much stronger than it looked.

“I’m really glad, you know” Jaebum said quietly after walking in silence since leaving the party, a little bit out of breath. Youngjae hummed disconnected. “I mean that I can repay you.” He explained. “For all those countless times you got me home when I was shitfaced and took care of me.” Youngjae hummed again, feeling squishy.

It was true. Opposed to Jaebum’s appearance he was a total lightweight. He got wasted regularly and it was up to Youngjae to get him back to bed safely. And who knows, maybe that’s where all this mess even began.

  


“Here we go.” Jaebum gasped. The stairs had taken a toll on him. He was quivering and breathing ragged. Youngjae knew the drill, even though it was a little exciting to be on the other end. He locked his legs tightly, arms wrapped around Jaebum’s chest, when he had to let go of his right leg to fumble for his key and unlock the apartment door.

  


Youngjae slid down his back unwillingly when Jaebum stood over his mattress and let him sink slowly, until Youngjae’s legs hit the ground and he fell back into the sheets. The world spun. He groaned and rubbed his face. “You gotta throw up?” Jaebum asked, not mocking, just curious, as he squatted down to unlace his shoes. Youngjae shook his head, but had to sit up and watched distantly how Jaebum pulled his sneakers off his feet.

It was like a routine in reverse. After the shoes, the socks. Then the sweater. Jaebum grabbed the hem and pulled it over his head, Youngjae’s arms falling down limp after wards. Then the T-Shirt and Jaebum’s fingers ghosted over his naked chest while taking it off. He pressed him backwards, so he laid down, popping open the button on his jeans and sliding it down his legs.

He left. For the bathroom and Youngjae waited, boneless, dizzy. When he returned, Jaebum sat down and grabbed his hand to get him back into a sitting position. It was more exhausting to be the drunk person than he ever thought it was. And more arousing, too. He saw the smirk on Jaebum’s face and he knew he was doing it on purpose swinging a leg over him and straddling him. He should, Youngjae found, because he always sits in Jaebum’s lap and Jaebum deserved it.

“Make ‘Ahh’” He said and Youngjae made ‘Ah’. He thought he saw Jaebum licking his lips, thought his eyes went a little glossy when he put the toothbrush into his mouth.

Yes, it’s strange. Yes, it’s intimate beyond words. But they always did it. They’ve always done it. Except while Youngjae had a routine in brushing Jaebum’s teeth, this way around not so much. It was a little messy, toothpaste going everywhere and it had Youngjae giggle deliriously. Jaebum huffed a series of little laughters still when he put the water cup away and grabbed a damp towel to clean him up.

The towel was warm when Jaebum placed it on his cheeks, wiping off toothpaste and sweat. Youngjae could have sworn he scooted closer, seated heavier on his lap. Youngjae’s eyes almost fluttered close while being wiped down. So he barely noticed how Jaebum’s motions slowed and slowed until they came to a stop. They were so close.

Youngjae looked up at him and almost went crossed eyed from the proximity. They were breathing each other’s air, the cooling towel placed right underneath his throat and very distinguishable from the warm hand on the back of his neck, though he had no idea how it got there.

Jaebum’s lips were parted and shiny and so soft. Youngjae choked on his own spit when they kissed. Jaebum’s breath stuttered when he pulled away. And then he did the worst thing he could have done. He apologized.

He scrambled to his feet, mumbling nonsense. Somewhere in it there was “Gosh, sorry, Youngjae. Sorry.” He left in a hurry. He didn’t look at him at all when he placed a glass of water and their ‘puke bucket’ next to the mattress. He turned the light off when he came back into the room after being to the bathroom himself, so they couldn’t look at one another anymore. He climbed into his own bed and mumbled “Good night.”

Youngjae grumbled into the darkness, frustration spilling over. He kicked the glass and it fell over with a clonk, spilling all over the floor. Jaebum spiked up in his bed. “What the…” he made and shone his phone light over the mess. Youngjae scrambled to his feet and padded through the cold puddle on the floor to make it over to his mattress. It was a hassle.

There’d been a time when they’d slept next to each other, mattress against mattress and body against body. It had been an easier time. Comfortable. Comforting.  
But then Jaebum had confessed and they’d pulled their beddings apart, placing them in opposite corners of the room. ‘To bring some distance between them.’ Youngjae never wanted distance. 

He crawled under the blanket where it was warm and smelled nice. “Kiss me.” He demanded, sinking down half on top of Jaebum’s body, bringing their lips together. Jaebum didn’t obey immediately. He was quiet. “Why?”

“Because.” Youngjae explained impatient, “I can’t tell you to just throw me on the ground and fuck my brain right out of my skull, but I have to start _some_ where.” He attempted to find Jaebum’s lips for a kiss. Which, really, it wouldn’t have been a first. They kissed before. Quick, foolish smooches and that one time Jaebum went as far as sticking his tongue down Youngjae’s throat; hot and wet and sloppy.

But now he turned away, pushed him back enough to sit up, held him an arm length away at his shoulders. “What the hell, Youngjae.” He scolded. “You’re fucking wasted. Stop it.” If it should sound fierce, he failed miserably. “I’m fine.” Youngjae assured. Sure, he wasn’t completely sober, but his thoughts weren’t incoherent. He was just drunk enough to lose his shame.

It was his turn to straddle Jaebum, arms wrapping around his shoulders. “Shut up and kiss me.” He insisted and crashed their mouths together greedily. Sloppy would have been the understatement of the year. Messy might’ve been a fit, all tongue and teeth. Youngjae thought it was amazing. He tasted Jaebum as if he were a treat, which… Let’s face it. Is true.

His resistance faltered faster than a snowman in the desert, his hungry mouth a challenge on its own. It was the best. Jaebum was so into it, the harsher he kissed back, the blurrier the pictures in Youngjae’s mind became. The gifs that played in his head over and over again, ever since earlier this evening vanished into a thick cloud of lust and want. It all drowned out over the wet slurping noises and the heat spreading between them.

But it wasn’t the point. Yes, Youngjae wanted to forget it, never think about it again, never feel as devastated ever in his life, but Jaebum. What if Jaebum didn’t forget? To his immense satisfaction, when he ground down on his lap in frustration, he felt him already hardening in his underwear, easy to spot with how little clothing there was in between them. Youngjae groaned, dug his fingertip into Jaebum’s skull and tugged at a fistful of his silky hair, pulling his head back with more force than necessary.

Their lips parted, Jaebum sucked in a harsh breath, his fingers finding their way to the small of his back, pushing him down. Youngjae rutted and he leaned over to brush his lips over Jaebum’s wet ones, but as he did he pulled away, just when he tried to seal them together, teasingly, leaving him wanting. And he whispered: “Say my name.”

Jaebum stilled in his attempt to kiss him again. His eyes opened and when they looked at him they were clear and bright. The sudden lack of motion had Youngjae’s head spin, reminding him of his inappropriate lack of soberness. “Youngjae-ah...” Jaebum whispered back. The mood shifted and Youngjae panicked. He couldn’t afford to lose Jaebum now. He closed the space between them, until their chests bumped into one another and kissed him.

He felt it, even in his hazy mind, how Jaebum was hesitant. He pushed with more fervor, held his head, circled his hips, chewed on his lip. “Say it again.” He breathed against his open mouth. “Youngjae…” Jaebum mumbled, caught his wrists in a death grip and pulled him off. Youngjae was out of breath and dizzy. Jaebum wasn’t as far gone as he thought and he felt like screaming in frustration. His voice was gentle when he spoke. “Stop it, love.” He murmured and guided him off his lap, held him by the upper body and let him slide down into the sheets.

Youngjae didn’t want to go, but it was so nice. Jaebum slid his fingers into his hair, petted it gently and told him to ‘Sleep.’ Youngjae shook his head, but without lifting it off the pillow. “Have to make sure you forget his name…” He babbled. “My name is the only for you.” Maybe Jaebum smiled. Maybe it was fond, maybe it was sad. There was no way he could know. It was dark and his brain wasn’t working properly. He felt sick.

The knot in his chest loosened just a little when he realized that Jaebum laid down next to him. It wasn’t all lost. Youngjae couldn’t stay horizontal, he couldn’t close his eyes, he felt like the world was spinning around him, too fast and making him sick. He sat up straight and Jaebum sighed. “Youngjae please.” He said.

Youngjae swung a leg over him once more, sitting down heavily on his member that was still stiff. Happily he noticed a tiny moan. “Say that again.” He requested, rubbing his plush bottom back against Jaebum’s erection. “Say it over and over again while you fuck me senseless.” Jaebum cursed under his breath, he attempted to sit up, but Youngjae pushed him back down. “Youngjae…” His voice trailed off. Youngjae moaned. He faked it, but he was good at it. “Good boy.” He cooed. 

To this day he has no idea how he made it out of his panties, but he did. He spat into his hand, unceremoniously and reached behind himself to lather his saliva on Jaebum’s rock-hard cock. It was his first time to hold that delicious piece of flesh in his hand, though he’d seen it many times and it should have been more intimate, more passionate. But he, too, did figure it was too late for that now. Jaebum, whom he still held pinned to the mattress with his free hand, settled for digging his thumbs into his thighs, rubbing them up and down, probably because it was the only part he could reach.

Taking Jaebum up his butt was a whole other story. Youngjae propped himself up on his knees and slipped Jaebum’s tip between his cheeks. He’d made a few very unsuccessful attempts to prep himself, but he was too uncoordinated. So he used the weight of his body against himself, sinking down on him with enough expertise to find the right position. He was too drunk to feel a whole lot of pain and while he felt the rough drag it was as blurry as everything else.

“My name.” Youngjae groaned out between his teeth, with his head falling back and his hips pushing deeper constantly. Jaebum’s fingers gripped his thighs painfully tight, but he didn’t respond, so Youngjae slammed his hips down and leaned back forward, scratching his blunt nails over Jaebum’s chest. “Say it.” He demanded, careless about how Jaebum’s girth stretched him open and the blunt head of his impressive length prodded at his sensitive insides.

“Youngjae…” Jaebum whined. He attempted to sit up once more, but beside everything he was too limp. He stood nothing against Youngjae’s weight and the fervor with which he pushed his hips. He spilled plenty of the lewdest moans while he did, throwing his head back to bare his throat, eyes falling shut and fluttering open. He could ride like a pro and he showed Jaebum all, moaned and cried just enough to witness Jaebum repeating his name between desperate whimpers and breathless gasps.

It was quick. Youngjae slammed down on him, purposefully tensed his muscles, clenched his walls around him until Jaebum was a mess. His hips bucked off the mattress; if involuntary or planned he couldn’t guess. He drove his cock so deep into Youngjae’s body, he completely lost his breath. Then Jaebum came. His voice stuttered, his moans tortured but real. Youngjae felt him fill him up, hot and wet. Youngjae wished he could see better, watch him, witness him fall apart, but he could barely focus.

Jaebum’s muscles gave way, he went limp, his hands fell back, off his thighs and only then Youngjae allowed himself to get up on his knees and have his softening cock slip back out. Jaebum answered with a choked gasp, then he took a few staggered breaths as Youngjae sank down next to him. He was close enough to feel him shiver and felt his hands fumble for him, fingers helplessly moving along his skin and his breath staggered more and it took Youngjae a comically long time to realize. They were sobs.

Youngjae had to pry Jaebum’s hands away that tried desperately but helplessly to find a way between his legs and curl around his long soft member. He ushered Jaebum to lie back and peppered kisses to his jaw. He didn’t really say anything. Just  _ssshhshed_ him and cuddled him and listened to sob after sob and tasted salty tears on his lips when he pressed kisses to his cheek.

Jaebum cried himself to sleep for what felt like hours and as much as Youngjae would regret it the following day and feel like a monster, that moment he was just happy that Jaebum received what he deserved. For being a cheater.

  


  


“Good morning sunshine.” Jaebum’s voice was loud and cheerful and woke a slowly stirring Youngjae finally. Youngjae lifted his head just a notch and groaned in pain, dropping back down. There was a dull pounding behind his forehead. He peaked up at Jaebum’s towering figure between his swollen eyelids. It took a while to get used to the light. Jaebum came squatted down, carding his fingers through his hair gently.

He looked fit. He was showered and dressed, hair messy but shining, with a bright smile and sparkling eyes. No traces of last night were to be found on his handsome face and for a moment Youngjae thought he was delirious, or he had dreamed, but when he stirred he felt a throbbing pain in his lower body and a sour taste on his tongue.

He had, after all, thrown up. In the middle or the night, or early morning he’d woken with a churning stomach, as is someone were pressing a heavy weight on it and he’d fought free of Jaebum’s arms to crawl over and spew into the bucket. He’d wiped his mouth on a piece of clothing lying around and had unapologetically climbed back into Jaebum’s embrace. Smelling like vomit and with wet hands and knees from stumbling through the spilled water.

That had not been a dream. But it might. Jaebum was clean, the floor was clean. It was him and only him who was still a mess and, well, Jaebum’s bedsheets that desperately needed to be changed.

Youngjae blinked. Unsurprisingly he felt like shit. “Get up and under the shower you stinking piece of filth.” Jaebum ordered and pulled the blanket off him, so Youngjae immediately froze. He shook his head, turned around and curled in on himself to protect from the cold. Jaebum leaned closer, Youngjae felt and heard that while he couldn’t see it.

“Get up, love.” He whispered in his lovely, gentle voice and added secretively “I’ll bathe you.” Youngjae sprang to his feet so quickly, his head spun like a carousel and had him almost go tumbling back to the ground. Jaebum laughed.

He wouldn’t relent, however, that Youngjae brushed his teeth before. He stood there, shivering, naked, covered in nothing but goosebumps while he avoided looking at himself in the mirror while doing so obediently. Behind him, Jaebum let water run into the bathtub. One of the luxuries you can afford when you’re less greedy about space and willing to share a single room with your best friend. The water temperature was perfect, burning a little too hot on his cold skin, but nothing was important but Jaebum’s arms around him, letting him sink down into the bath.

It was quiet. Comfortable while Youngjae just soaked, Jaebum sitting on the edge of the tub looking down at him. It lasted too long. Youngjae knew that. He felt it and he knew that Jaebum felt it too. It was Jaebum, who broke the silence. Youngjae was busy wondering if, against all odds Jaebum would climb into the bath with him, which he never did.

“Just tell me why.” His voice was strangely sad, a little stern and too distant for Youngjae’s taste. He sunk deeper into the hot water as if to hide. “I have to know Youngjae, even if it hurts.” He explained calmly while reaching for the shampoo. He couldn’t answer. Not yet. His eyes fluttered close when Jaebum’s hands slipped into his hair and he began massaging his scalp.

“You get real horny when you’re drunk…” Jaebum explained quietly, “And you thought I was the easiest option.” Youngjae hummed. It was uncommitted, but not surprising that Jaebum might interpret it as a ‘yes’. His motions didn’t stop, didn’t change when he stated. “You didn’t even come.” Youngjae shook his head, just barely as not to disturb Jaebum’s gentle fingers still rubbing his scalp. “I was too drunk I guess.” He explained. 

Jaebum didn’t say anything else after that. He washed, rinsed and pulled him to his feet even, to dry him off. He got his comfy clothes from the bedroom and placed them on the toilet seat. Youngjae was in heaven, until Jaebum pressed a single, soft kiss to the tip of his nose and left.

  


He slept at Jinyoung’s place for a week.

  


  


Youngjae thought he’d been through everything. He thought he knew how the world worked. Thought he knew how his heart worked. He thought he knew pain.

He didn’t.

He waited patiently for Jaebum and it paid off. Jaebum came back. Friday afternoon he was home when Youngjae unlocked the door and just like that he had his best friend back. They had come back from every fight so far, this situation couldn’t have been different. Except, it was.

What Youngjae had thought had tied Jaebum closer to him… it had the opposite effect. Just a few days later, as he was strolling around campus, he witnessed a scene that shattered his world into a million pieces. It was more than a Déjà vu, how his body froze in shock. And slowly, very slowly, realization settled in. Szene after szene unfolded before his inner eye.

He’d miscalculated. Of course he had. He’d done exactly what he’d always tried to avoid. He was stupid. So so stupid. He was pathetic.

Pathetic people do pathetic thing. So Youngjae did that.

After he’d run into a secluded bathroom, locked the door and screamed his lungs out while covering his ears, he skipped class and waited near the room where he knew Jaebum had a literature class. He didn’t need to wait for Jaebum to meet up with the guy after class was over. They walked out of the room together, focused on a seemingly hilarious conversation.

The guy was short, but broad, bleached hair, leather jacket and a visible stubble. His lips were pink and his smile cute, his voice loud but tone friendly. He waved and greeted a lot of people after he parted ways with Jaebum, displaying a secretive cute Goodbye-kiss that Youngjae never wishes to see again he hasted after the guy and blocked his path.

He was given a look of surprise and confusion and his ugly voice said “Yes?”

“I’m Jaebum’s roommate!” Youngjae blurted out without another thought. The other’s expression brightened a little. “Oh… Hi?” He said, question mark visible but apparently not appalled. “I take from your expression.“ Youngjae folded his arms in front of his chest. “That Jaebum hasn’t told you.” The guy frowned. “So I will, before you even think about dating him.”

The dude took a step back and raised his hands before him. “I don’t wanna know.” He cut Youngjae’s rant. “Whatever you think you’re doing, please don’t.” He sounded genuine and Youngjae was startled for a moment.

“He won’t be loyal.” He said, not giving a fuck about what the guy wanted or not. “He can’t be, because he sleeps with me. And he won’t stop so… Well you better not think…” He lost himself in his babbling as the courageous fury seeped out of him. The guy appraised him with a thoughtful look. Then he nodded and said “I understand.” Without another word he slipped past Youngjae’s figure and vanished down a hallway, leaving him dumbfounded and speechless behind. 

Things could only go downhill from there. Youngjae knew it and yet he wasn’t ready. He knew he’d made a terrible mistake. Which is why he was just pretending to watch a video with his headphones on when Jaebum came come. The sound was muted and he heard the keys and heard him approach. Yet, he gave Jaebum the option to pull the headphones off his ears and throw them on the table harsh enough that they slid all the way over the surface and fell down the other end, dangling from the cable.

Youngjae took a deep breath. “His name is Jackson.” Jaebum said. Calm. “He was willing to give me a chance even when I told him that I am still hung up on someone else.” Youngjae didn’t respond. His heart ached. “I thought things would get easier.” He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t loud. He wasn’t mean.

Youngjae just shook his head. Jaebum sounded exhausted, voice small. “Why?” Something flared up in Youngjae’s chest. Fear, anger, disappointment. They weren’t Jaebum’s fault. Not initially, but if not Jaebum, who else was left to blame?

“How dare you date someone else?” He asked, voice low, threatening. He finally turned around, rose to his feet. Jaebum looked little and frightened. “You said you love me.” The accusation was real. It sounded childish, but Youngjae was helpless. They looked at each other. Best friends for years and yet, Jaebum met his gaze as if he saw him for the first time.

“I do.” He whispered eventually. It sounded so final. “I do love you.” Youngjae shook his head. “Then you can’t go around dating other people.” Something ugly spread through his guts. “You think you can throw me away, now that you’ve had me.” Jaebum flinched as if Youngjae had lashed out at him. He took a step back. “What?” He croaked.

“Why do you think I did that?!” Youngjae asked, desperate and angry and entirely in the faults. “You… you’re trying to get back at me, making out with that stupid guy at the party!?” He scoffed, “So that I’ll give you just what you’ve always wanted!” His voice rose, “I let you fuck me, because that’s what you wanted and you think now you can go and have him too?!”

Jaebum’s head wandered left and right, as if shaking it involuntarily. It only angered Youngjae more, how he was pretending to be taken aback. “You can’t!” He threatened. “I won’t let you.”

Jaebum stared at him, stunned into silence, then, very slowly, he nodded. “Okay.” He whispered, blinking rapidly. “Okay...” Youngjae growled under his breath. He felt tears sting behind his eyelids, but he didn’t know why. He just knew that something wasn’t right. Jaebum kept looking at him. “I don’t understand you anymore.” He breathed out eventually, after they just stood there stupidly, muted pictures still racing on the laptop screen.

“You’re my best friend, Jaebum.” Youngjae said, burying anger in pain so deep inside that not even Jaebum should be able to find them. “I don’t want to fight with you.” He gave him a pat on the shoulder. It should be fine. Jaebum would dump the blonde guy and everything should go back to normal. He tried a smile but failed.

But as he turned around to Jaebum spoke up and finally there was something resembling irritation in his voice. “See, that doesn’t make sense there.” He said. “You say you don’t want to fight, but… you’re the one who picked the fight!” Youngjae looked back at him. He wasn’t supposed to talk back. “You’re always like that.” Jaebum’s voice wavered, but his eyes were stern. “You… tell me you don’t love me back, but...” He took staggering breaths as if he’d run, “But you won’t let me give you space, you… You force yourself on me and then you pretend like I’d taken advantage of you while you were drunk!” His tone drifted into desperation and it had Youngjae swallow. “It doesn’t make  _sense_ !”

“You shouldn’t have cheated with that guy.” Youngjae answered, but had to avert his eyes. “Then all of this wouldn’t have happened… And I _was_ drunk.” Jaebum gasped. “How… how do you call that cheating… I… We’re not...” He huffed and shuffled. “I didn’t… I never wanted to take advatange of you, I felt so bad, but… you… it was you!” Youngjae’s eyes flickered in his direction. He looked as lost as he felt.

“I thought… it evened out that you… were the one to...” Youngjae knew that everything was hanging by a thread, but he couldn’t lose Jaebum. Not like that. “Just...” He said in a less than brave attempt to straighten his voice. “Just don’t do it again and… we’ll be fine.”

He couldn’t pinpoint the crooked sound that Jaebum made as his hands flew up and rubbed at his face desperately. “No it won’t… What the  _fuck_ are you talking about, Youngjae?!”

“It will.” Youngjae reached out a hand, but he couldn’t do more than grab him by the shoulder. “Forget that… we had sex. Be my best friend.” Jaebum shook his head and pushed his hand off. He’d never done that and Youngjae felt something break.

  


“I can’t be your friend.” Jaebum spoke after a moment. “Because… that’s apparently not what you want.”

Youngjae didn’t really notice how the tears spilled that he’d felt prick at his eyes earlier. “That’s really what I want...” He explained weakly. Jaebum shook his head again. “But then it wouldn’t bother you so much if I… if I was seeing someone...” Youngjae failed miserably to contain the sobs that just wanted to break out of him. That had built up over such a long time. “You’ll stop loving me...” He whispered and as simple and small it sounded. It was the truest fear that he had ever vocalized in front of Jaebum.

Maybe Jaebum knew that. Or maybe it were the tears, but he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around him, hugging him close, in the intimate way that said ‘Not just friends’, the way he’d always hugged him. “I won’t...” he mumbled into his hair, but Youngjae just sobbed harder. “You can’t promise that!” He complained and he was back to being a child.

“No...” Jaebum whispered. “I’ve tried to stop loving you for so long now… And I won’t ever not like you that way… I thought if I dated someone else… I could finally love you as a friend. Like you always wanted.” “I don’t want that!” Youngjae bit back. Jaebum grunted at his ear. “That’s so stupidly selfish of you. Maybe I can’t promise, but you can’t expect me to be single forever and die alone.”

He didn’t. He couldn’t. He never planned that far. He knew he had nothing left. “I don’t want to see you with someone else.” He sulked and pulled up his nose. “But why?” Jaebum detached far enough to look at him. Youngjae’s eyes shut close tightly.

“Because I love you.”

Jaebum sighed deeply. It was in that moment that Youngjae finally grasped the reality of what he’d done. He heard it in his voice, saw it in his face. He didn’t believe him.

“Yeah...” Jaebum made, sadness viable, “Okay...”

  


They had nothing to say to one another after that. Youngjae couldn’t remember when he felt that miserable. He wondered if he ever did. He wondered if, if he could turn back time, he would not make the same stupid mistake. Wouldn’t it be better to bear looking at Jaebum making out with blonde Jackson over and over again, but at least keep their relationship intact? But could he still say that when one day Jaebum would move out and live together with that other man and Youngjae would only see him once a week for a coffee?

Wasn’t it better to lose him altogether? But wasn’t it better to not go through the heartbreak of being thrown away when something better comes along?

  


Youngjae fought hard with himself to not snatch Jaebum’s phone from his hands when he was repeatedly texting during dinner, which was Delivery on the sofa with Netflix running. They didn’t speak and he was sure Jaebum finally regretted that they shared a room. He almost expected him to run away to Jinyoung’s, but he put on his pajamas and slipped under his blanket, eyes still glued to his phone screen.

Youngjae sat on his bed, arms wrapped around his knees and watched him. He knew that Jaebum was aware, but he didn’t look up. That is until Youngjae finally cleared his throat. “Hyung?” He asked and he saw that he startled Jaebum, hadn’t called him that in ages. He looked up at him with a questioning glance but silent.

“Can I sleep with you?” Youngjae asked quietly, watched Jaebum turn away and fold his arms protectively. “That’s not a good idea.” He answered, weaker than expected. Youngjae took it as a yes. He crawled over to his side of the room and lifted his blanket up to settle his cooled out body next to him. Jaebum didn’t reject. Youngjae snuggled into his side. It was quiet, Jaebum’s phone lay forgotten to the side.

“Are you going to keep dating him?” Youngjae asked softly, trying hard to not sound aggravated. Jaebum snorted. “As if...” He mumbled. “Will you explain it to me again?” Jaebum eventually asked. He did roll over to wrap Youngjae into his strong arms, all nice smelling and warm. Youngjae sighed.

“I’ve lost you, haven’t I?” He asked, avoiding to answer directly. He wasn’t too surprised with Jaebum’s answer. “Not yet.”

  


They lay in silence until Youngjae mobilized whatever he had left that could be named courage. “I wanted you to love me forever.” He said and it sounded cheesy, of course. “Not just until...” His voice broke pathetically. Jaebum gave him a moment before he inquired. “Until when?” Youngjae couldn’t help the scoff. “Until you grow tired of me.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard.” Jaebum gave back. “And I’ve known you for years.” Youngjae wanted to slap him for the tease, but he had no freedom of movement.

“I have been your friend for years, Youngjae.” Jaebum continued and he sounded more enthusiastic as he went on. “At least I’ve tried. I tried so hard to be your friend. And every single time I was drunk I came onto you...” Youngjae made a weak sound at that. “And you turned me down each and every time. And then, once, you’re drunk and you get onto me and I just… I just couldn’t...” He staggered for a moment. “’s not fair...” He mumbled, but went on before Youngjae had any chance to reply. “But, I’ve also been your friend and I know you. And even though you’d never tell me exactly… I know you don’t believe in relationships...”

“What I’m trying to say is...” That I’m not like them. That I won’t hurt you. That I won’t throw you away. That I won’t use you and get tired of you. “...that Sex” Youngjae stalled. “Can be a wonderful experience. It’s not a tool to make someone stay with you.” “...What?” Youngjae asked, dumbfounded.

“I know you’ve been hurt.” Jaebum explained patiently. “It’s not like you have to tell me directly. But I’ve tried so hard to just be your best friend. But it never felt right. I was glad you still wanted me by your side, even after you let me down, and you didn’t let me down easily. But it was never right. It never worked. I tried to give you space, but you didn’t want it. I tried to tone down on the intimacy, but you demanded it.” Youngjae instinctively pulled him closer, hid in his warmth.

“I have been hurt.” Jaebum was still quiet, but there was something else. “You’ve caused me so much grief and pain, but I just couldn’t let you go. Because I felt. Something.” Youngjae really wished he got to the point. Just wished he’d tell him what to do. What his options were. “I want you to stop lying to me. Because this can’t go on forever. I can’t be your friend.” Youngjae froze. “Not like this. Either you mean it or you let me love you the way I want. The way it’ll be right.”

That was it. His ultimatum. Fuck me or lose me.

“I’ll sleep with you.” Youngjae said quietly. Jaebum sighed deeply. “Make me your boyfriend.” Youngjae added. “Parade me down the street, make me do as you please, I don’t care.” He did. He cared a lot. But his only other option was to lose him entirely. Have him walk away and find someone else to love.

“That’s not...” Jaebum tried but broke off. “You’re selfish.” He said after collecting himself. “I know, I should… I just wished you were honest with me.”

Youngjae nodded against the chest he had buried his face in. “I love you.” He said. It wasn’t hard. He’d said it plenty. “I know this… seals the end. I know you’ll leave me, but if I can delay it...” Jaebum groaned in frustration. “I give up.”He stated dryly. It made Youngjae angry. A little.

“I’ll do as you please.” He voiced frustrated. “You can’t just… What do you want me to say?! You don’t want to be my friend anymore. You want to have me and when I say that’s okay, you’re not happy! What’s the right answer then?!” It was the straw that had him sit up finally, Jaebum’s arms falling away.

It felt like they were looking at each other after a really long time. As if they’d unlearned one another. And Jaebum shrugged. “I don’t know.” He confessed. “I don’t know everything, I just… I’m just wondering if you…” He took several very deep breaths. “If you, I don’t know man. If you can distinguish between romantic and platonic love.”

Youngjae didn’t expect that and he had literally no idea how to react. So he shrugged.

“You like to cuddle.” Jaebum said, it was a statement, not a question. “What about kissing?” He looked a little zoned out, as if he were thinking deeply. Youngjae opened his mouth, but Jaebum interrupted him. “Be honest.” He said, warning. Youngjae crunched his nose and gave a small nod. Yes, he liked that. “You like when I touch you?!” Another nod. “What about...” He though for a moment. “Touching inappropriate places on your body?” Youngjae grimaced. Was Jaebum really asking if he could get him hard?

“You don’t dislike sex, do you?” Detective Jaebum inquired. “It just makes you feel cheap.” Youngjae didn’t want to answer. Jaebum nodded. “I guess, this is mostly wishful thinking on my part. I’ll interpret your answer the way I want it. So… I’ll just have to be the selfish one now, do I?” He gave a defeated look. “I’ll love the shit out of you and maybe it’ll work.” Youngjae couldn’t do more than a small, encouraging nod.

“Let’s make a deal then.” Jaebum straightened his back and he looked authoritative, even in his pajamas. “Not a deal. A bet. I bet you a thousand bucks that I won’t leave you. How’s that sound?” Youngjae frowned and snorted. “You’re a student, you don’t have a thousand fucking bucks.” To that Jaebum nodded with a smirk. “Exactly. So I can’t afford to lose, can I?”

He shook his head. He didn’t need the security of a monetary bet. He just needed. Him.

  


They kissed.

It came out of nowhere and it was gentle and wet. Jaebum just leaned in and kissed him. There was nothing else to say about it. Youngjae fell and he fell deep. He knew Jaebum was his only lifeline and he was going to hold onto it as long as he could. He had, so far and he wouldn’t loosen his grip, even if it slipped through and the rough surface burned his hands.

Jaebum pulled him into the sheets and he didn’t touch him inappropriately. He just held him. Just like when they were just friends.

  


 

Things didn’t change. Or barely did so. Jaebum wasn’t demanding, nor was he pressuring him. But he was a lot less hesitant to shower him with all the physical affection that Youngjae so desperately asked for. In fact, it got so extreme, Youngjae receiving all the little cuddles and pets that at some point he really just had it over. And at that point it was Jaebum who took matters into his own hands and smothered him with attention. It was super annoying and gave Youngjae a strange sensation in his guts as if a flock of tiny birds were tickling his insides with their feathers. He tried to explain that feel to Jaebum and he shook his head and called it butterflies.

They didn’t change on the outside. They still hung out at the same parties as the same couple of inseparable besties. They didn’t tell their friends about their upgrade in relationship. Except, next time they hung out at Jinyoung’s with bags full of chips and Mario Kart, he looked in between them, eyes flickering from one to the other with a raised eyebrow.

He took Jaebum to the side and they whispered to each other. Youngjae didn’t bother, but at the next party he walked in on Jinyoung with his tongue down blonde Jackson’s throat. Mark broke up with him about that. Except, one other party Youngjae was playing beer pong with Mark and that Jackson tapped Mark on the shoulder and they walked into a corner. Youngjae didn’t care for a while, but when he at some point was wondering when the heck Mark would come back to play he turned around and found him with his tongue down Jackson’s throat who’d dyed his hair black.

Youngjae kicked Jaebum in the shin. “You were about to date a slut.” He complained.

But really, barely anything changed. Youngjae felt wonderfully lightheaded at times. He didn’t forget that he promised Jaebum to have sex with him, but he didn’t  _ask_ . They’d pushed their mattresses back together and they slept tightly embracing each other. They kissed a lot more. Not those light pecks they’d shared before, but not extended Make-out sessions either. Just kisses.

  


It was Jinyoung, again, who set things in motion. Jinyoung and his complete mess of a relationship that Youngjae scoffed about until Jaebum put a hand over his mouth to stop embarrassing him. Jinyoung was practically glowing, crescent eyes shining and voice dreamy when he shamelessly told Jaebum a story about which he didn’t seem to care that Youngjae could also hear. “He took it like a champ, Hyung, seriously, it was so fucking hot.”

Youngjae didn’t want to embarrass himself by asking, so he stayed quiet and waited until he was home alone, to secretly google. He swallowed as he eventually guessed that Jinyoung wasn’t speaking about  **d** ynamic  **p** rogramming when telling a story about his newly acquired threesoming sex-life. Intrigued though guiltily he did something he hadn’t done in a very long time.

He watched porn. One thing led to another. A google search, then another and then a video and he shoved a hand down his pants. He bit his lips raw and scrambled to his feet to dig through the messy back of a drawer in his closet that he never even touched because it was full of stuff he didn’t use.

He didn’t mind the time and hence he was completely shocked when Jaebum came home. He just so managed to throw the laptop shut and grab his blanket. But since he was kneeling in his bed with his pants crumbled on the ground, pressing the sheet to his naked bottom…

Jaebum froze in the doorway. It was unsettling how he stood there. Youngjae attempted to say something, but he couldn’t remember words. Until life came back into Jaebum and he stepped closer deliriously and mumbled “Thank  _god_ .” He dropped to his knees right in front of him and pulled Youngjae into a tight, uncomfortable hug. “Thank  _god_ .” He repeated and then a few more times. Youngjae pushed him back, breath still heavy and Jaebum cradled his face gently and when they were that close he could see the tears collecting in his eyes, just about to still as Jaebum whispered. “Thank god, you’re not Asexual after all.” Then he kissed him.

Youngjae really wanted to complain, say that of course he wasn’t, but Jaebum fumbled for his hands and pulled the blanket away and asked him “Let me.” And “Please.” Like a maniac.  
It was one thing for Jaebum to find him masturbating, it was a whole other deal when he found the dildo up his butt. He did burst into tears a little, his face flushed a deep red, he shivered and babbled and his eyes went all hazy. Youngjae did feel a lot of affection for him and it wasn’t bad, it really wasn’t.

He allowed Jaebum to guide him backwards and place him gently in the sheets. He propped his legs up on his feet and knotted his fingers in his sleeve where Jaebum curled his elegant hand around his member. He sighed and gasped when he gripped the toy firmly and began pumping it in and out of him steadily.

It was better than doing it oneself, Youngjae realized that. He rolled his hips, down against the drag of the rubber against his entrance and up into Jaebum’s fist. He came fast, shuddering and easy. His muscles relaxed when Jaebum carefully pulled the toy out and leaned over him to pepper kisses on his face.

Jaebum popped his jeans open and freed his erection. He was hesitant, Youngjae could see that. It left a sour taste on his tongue. He reached out, encouraging, kneeling in front of Jaebum again. He caught his hand and guided it around his length. Youngjae had a vague memory of it, but as chaste as this now was, it was a lot more beautiful. Jaebum didn’t let go of his hand, wrapped both of them around himself.

Youngjae kissed him, played with his hair with his free hand and listened to his breath go ragged while pumping him in unison. Jaebum released over his stomach with the softest of moans. Youngjae didn’t care. He just kissed him again.

  


It wasn’t the starting sign of a sexathon. It took a long time still, until they really began having sex. It happened unceremoniously one Saturday morning, where Youngjae felt extra touchy. Afterwards Jaebum cried, but he promised they were happy tears. Youngjae had him also promise to never do that again.

Jaebum found a good job. Youngjae still had one year of university left, but Jaebum insisted they moved somewhere else. They bought a wonderful new double bed. Then one day Jaebum came home with a handful of banknotes. He stacked them in a picture frame, exactly 1000 and wrote ‘In case of break-up break glass.’ With a sharpie. Youngjae kicked him in the nuts.

He did break it. When their car died and they were in a tight spot they plugged the cash out the frame. They never hung it back up.


End file.
